You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
40s are totally the cure
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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