If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
