i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
