Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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