You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
