I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
