I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
And then he peed in my hair
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