Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
