i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
