So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I am spending my child support on dildos
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
