Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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