Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
