i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I need to align my fucking chakras
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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