Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
