Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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