Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
