Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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