Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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