HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
high people should be assigned attendants
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
