paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
