i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
