What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
