just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
