so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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