My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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