Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
