He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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