I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
