I got chris browned last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
