Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
