I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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