I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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