someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
