First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
