So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We need to rekindle our bromance
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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