I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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