you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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