Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
