New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
