you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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