Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
