She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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