How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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