I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
