so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
