I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
