she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
