2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I came so hard my ears popped.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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