its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she told me i tasted like america
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
