i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
