maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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