worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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