New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
