you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
