found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
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Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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