I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
