i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
