The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
