She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When are your genitals available?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
