My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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