Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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