and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
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i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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